USAA

What do you get when you cross an 81 billion dollar bank, unceasing public hype, and saccharine customer service? Not a whole hell of a lot, that’s for sure! Recently I had the pleasure of buying a newer vehicle as my old one, though paid off, was rapidly becoming a lawn ornament. Between the chattering of the CV joint, the squeal of the brakes, the rust through the paint, the performance rivaling a golf cart, and a fuel pump fond of stranding me far from home, I knew it was time unload it on somebody else. So I applied for a special loan I’d qualified for through USAA Bank to begin shopping for a newer car… big mistake. Everyone I’d talked to relayed what a fabulous auto loan they’d also received with stellar customer service through this so called bank, and I was excited to become a real American up to my eyeballs in debt! Who’d have thought that selling your soul to an evil empire would be so difficult, but the best was yet to come.

I started the process by talking to one of their many special loan agents, who transferred me to another special loan agent, who talked to her supervisor… and transferred me to another special loan agent. There were so many special people involved I thought I was buying a short bus. The very least they could do, would be to upgrade the on-hold music to something not used in my parents conception. After someone returned to the phone and I emerged from my catatonic trance of beehives and Geritol, I got the good word: NO! What, what do you mean no!?! I was more than qualified for this program and I had the dealer waiting with the precise car desired, where are the dead presidents? To my chagrin, the special people had found out that the loan program I was applying for was under review by the company. How fricking convenient, take the only program of its kind offline with no contingency or secondary plan in place. When I asked how long this process would take, the response was unanimous…we have no idea. After further pressuring from my end, I finally got an answer. I was assured that by the end of the week, the Fuehrer of the company would send down the verdict regarding the future of the program. On that next Friday, I was told that a decision was not yet made and I’d have to sit and spin for another week. I called again EVERYDAY during the subsequent week to hopefully piss them off into hurrying up, but again, no luck. I was once again assured of a resolution by the weeks end, and yet again screwed over by indecisiveness at the top. On the second Friday, where I was told that an answer would absolutely come down by the end of the month, I got really pissed! So I did the American thing and began kicking ass and taking names.

I got a hold of a lower level special person and let him know, in no uncertain terms, of my acute displeasure. I told him that I was waiting to be impressed by this so called bank and proposed that they reengineer me a loan to cleverly circumvent the troublesome program, but provide the exact loan stipulations I desired (Did you get all that?). Apparently neither did he, so I told him to get me his boss and, if necessary, to continue up the chain as high and as powerful as required to get what I wanted… immediately! So he talked to his supervisor for 15 minutes, putting me back on hold to sock-hop my way into homosexuality, before returning with an offer. After all that deliberation, he told me that the company was willing to give me exactly what I wanted.

How hard was that!?! All it took was some good old fashioned yelling, impersonal insults, and belief in the cause to sway a multinational business into my servitude. And over a month later, the bastards still hadn’t returned with a decision on the program I was initially pursuing. If the deal wasn’t so sweet, I’d never have gone through all the crap. But to me, there’s nothing more reassuring than validating history... American might against flaming fascism, gives the good guys victory every time.

USAA… HERE’S TO THE RED, WHITE, AND BOOFED!






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		*Crack: USAA* What do you get when you cross an 81 billion dollar bank, unceasing public hype, and saccharine customer service? Not a whole hell of a lot, that’s for sure! Recently I had the pleasure of buying a newer vehicle as my old one, though paid off, was rapidly becoming a lawn ornament. Between the chattering of the CV joint, the squeal of the brakes, the rust through the paint, the performance rivaling a golf cart, and a fuel pump fond of stranding me far from home, I knew it was time unload it on somebody else. So I applied for a special loan I’d qualified for through USAA Bank to begin shopping for a newer car… big mistake. Everyone I’d talked to relayed what a fabulous auto loan they’d also received with stellar customer service through this so called bank, and I was excited to become a real American up to my eyeballs in debt! Who’d have thought that selling your soul to an evil empire would be so difficult, but the best was yet to come. I started the process by talking to one of their many special loan agents, who transferred me to another special loan agent, who talked to her supervisor… and transferred me to another special loan agent. There were so many special people involved I thought I was buying a short bus. The very least they could do, would be to upgrade the on-hold music to something not used in my parents conception. After someone returned to the phone and I emerged from my catatonic trance of beehives and Geritol, I got the good word: NO! What, what do you mean no!?! I was more than qualified for this program and I had the dealer waiting with the precise car desired, where are the dead presidents? To my chagrin, the special people had found out that the loan program I was applying for was under review by the company. How fricking convenient, take the only program of its kind offline with no contingency or secondary plan in place. When I asked how long this process would take, the response was unanimous…we have no idea. After further pressuring from my end, I finally got an answer. I was assured that by the end of the week, the Fuehrer of the company would send down the verdict regarding the future of the program. On that next Friday, I was told that a decision was not yet made and I’d have to sit and spin for another week. I called again EVERYDAY during the subsequent week to hopefully piss them off into hurrying up, but again, no luck. I was once again assured of a resolution by the weeks end, and yet again screwed over by indecisiveness at the top. On the second Friday, where I was told that an answer would absolutely come down by the end of the month, I got really pissed! So I did the American thing and began kicking ass and taking names. I got a hold of a lower level special person and let him know, in no uncertain terms, of my acute displeasure. I told him that I was waiting to be impressed by this so called bank and proposed that they reengineer me a loan to cleverly circumvent the troublesome program, but provide the exact loan stipulations I desired (Did you get all that?). Apparently neither did he, so I told him to get me his boss and, if necessary, to continue up the chain as high and as powerful as required to get what I wanted… immediately! So he talked to his supervisor for 15 minutes, putting me back on hold to sock-hop my way into homosexuality, before returning with an offer. After all that deliberation, he told me that the company was willing to give me exactly what I wanted. How hard was that!?! All it took was some good old fashioned yelling, impersonal insults, and belief in the cause to sway a multinational business into my servitude. And over a month later, the bastards still hadn’t returned with a decision on the program I was initially pursuing. If the deal wasn’t so sweet, I’d never have gone through all the crap. But to me, there’s nothing more reassuring than validating history... American might against flaming fascism, gives the good guys victory every time. USAA… HERE’S TO THE RED, WHITE, AND BOOFED!