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So I woke up this morning with a headache, cramps, and nausea…  I’m either pregnant or sick of work, I think I’ll bet on the latter.



Deftly the onslaught approached the peasant village… only to be routed by the musical stylings of Bjork.



When considering political efficacy, be careful… because dogs hate hardwood floors.



Despite its advantages to Neanderthals, scientists now believe that explosive flatulence is a detriment to social modern man.



This one time I asked for a Siberian Husky… imagine my surprise when a fat Russian woman popped out of the box.



Announcing your presence in the Vietnamese jungle, is like Mexican night at the chow hall… both result in a messy ending.



Driving the Oscar-Meyer Weeniemobile is kinda like drunk aerobics…




I’m thinking the most fearsome and elusive animal north of Peru has gotta be the Sling-back Reticulating Cat, the only member of the feline family known to open checking accounts.



Bad children like to burn ants, while good children like to eat them.



Have you ever woken up sweating from a dream you swore was real, you know--the one where ninjas are throwing spoiled bananas from speeding Yugos on the freeway while crescent shaped rocks of sugar rain down in a fine mist through a haze of double-helix piano wire?  You know that one… yeah, me neither.



***Celebrity Discounts***

Bill Clinton -                $5 off dry cleaning

David Hasselhoff -     Lifetime supply of Depends

Ashlee Simpson -      $15 coupon for groom at Suzy’s Pet Salon, Hollywood

Jesse Jackson -         Free legal consultation

Lil Kim -                      1 get out of jail free card, LAPD

Phil Mickelson -         Free exam with eyewear purchase

Janet Jackson -         Full coverage for half price at Playtex

Rush Limbaugh -       Preferred customer card at Good Neighbor Pharmacy

Lindsay Lohan -        2 for 1 at Sizzler

Tara Reid -                 20% off all Krylon purchases

Rosie O’Donnell -      99 cent Whoppers everyday

Susan Sarandon -      Closeout prices on lithium at



FYI:  Killing midgets doubles the corpse capacity of your trunk.



Constipated Carl was depressed because of his crappy marriage.  But, after all the mudslinging, he sure did miss his ex… Lax!



If ambushed by ravenous rodents, don’t spare the drastic measures…

…olive oil, open flame, Twix, and a crow bar come to mind.



Feeling blue?  Try drop-kicking a watermelon.  If it breaks your foot, you’ll trade frustration for blinding pain.  And if you smash it, you’ll have a meaningless chuckle at what you did…  Can’t lose!



Owww, my head!  The last thing I remembered after my 5th shot was the rapid approach of my hardwood floor.  It was cool though… while I was down there I found out green beans with under-fridge seasoning taste awesome!



For a welcome change of pace, do like I do.  Run down a crowded sidewalk yelling, “sexy sphygmometer.”  And when the inevitable sucker asks you what it means, punch them square in the kidney and skip away laughing…



With all the spare time I waste I thought back to Eden and it hit me… that serpent was the first Frenchman, with the yellow stripe down the back and no balls.



Man should take a lesson,

from the lesser buffoon…

In all cases of dispute,

display your moon like a baboon…

And if unsuccessful by showing your ass,

annihilate your foes with a touch of class…  

Suck up your pride--now don’t be a wimp,

take a handful of crap, and chuck like a chimp!



In the animal underworld of sex, debauchery, and violent crime--it’s well known that the rodents rule.  Raccoons can never be identified behind their masks, and nobody wants to frisk a porcupine.



Made Up Words to Impress Your Boss:

Relucivate(v.)-             To drown out ringing phones by sleeping in your car.

Exzonalera(n.)-            Hackneyed feminist comic strips.

Fractilianous(adj.)-      Prone to bouts of written schizophrenia.

Hiniquopharitize(v.)-   Collating documents by box fan.

Yuemomizo(adj.)-       Fat. 

Uctrageural(adj.)-        Anything French.

Sigulvarchen(n.)-        Those bastard, undercutting Malaysian sweatshops.



Despite years of practice and aspiration, Shenandoah gave up on her dream of becoming a country star...  Try as she might she couldn't hit wrong notes, chew Copenhagen, drive a rig, or marry a sibling.  



Why are people so happy when they find a forgotten twenty in their pocket?  I’m not… I’d much rather find a Tse Tse fly, so I could have it bite someone and then I'd take their wallet.



Man, I hate all these fad diets… nobody goes for real results.  If you’re truly dedicated, try the Ethiopian Thin-Kwik diet. No binges, no points, no guilt--NO FOOD!  You’re guaranteed to lose health… and inches! Bon Appetite.



They tell me life can be really funny when you think about it.  Let’s take a moment and ponder


                                                      ...hmmm, not laughing. It must be Andy Dick funny.



It's time for a little known moment in secondary sport.


Deep within the twisted bowels of society, exists the Heavy G Spelling Bee.  And on one fateful day it was Bloated Billy Banks in the finals with Rowdy "The Rump" Richards.  No champion was awarded, as both men lost on the deciding quandary posed by the judges: 'How do you spell gross, with one chin or two?'




Spending the day at the park makes you appreciate the finer things, you know what I'm talking about...  Fat people in tiny shirts, whiny kids on leashes, and stepping in piles of steaming brown joy.  Is poaching still illegal?