Christmas

I’ve had it up to here with Christmas.

It’s not even November, and I’ve had it with Christmas. That’s the problem. I’m already seeing Christmas decorations in department stores when there should be Halloween decorations.

I tell people this, and they say, “But, Cliff, Christmas is awesome!”

I agree, Christmas is awesome...or at least it was until the companies paved over November to make room for the X-Mas Strip Mall of America. And now the stores are getting ready to expand into October. If they’re going to do this, they need to at least give Santa Claus a makeover:

Christmas was never a religious time for me, but it’s always been a special time. In my memory it’s a time of year that, like Halloween and the Fourth of July, seems to have a little more magic than the rest of the year. But the gray-faced marketing engine of America is cutting the magic out as fast as they can in order to get just a little bit more money. What has been one of the most joyous times of the year is being turned into a three-month long Death March with the kick in the crotch known as New Year’s Day at the end. Think I’m just being bitter? What about the suicide rates that skyrocket during the holidays? As for myself, I would far rather enjoy yet another normal month, like June or September, than get force-fed corporate America’s mass-produced holiday spirit.

I arrived at this point last year, and this year it’s the same but earlier. I can’t just sit back and say, “To hell with Christmas.” I feel the urge to declare a jihad, to force Christmas’s fat, sticky fingers off of Halloween and back into its own little corner of the year. I feel the need to make the people around me drag me, kicking and screaming, into the holidays. I want the Grinch to come back, and teach us all to harden our hearts. I want him to join forces with pre-redemption Scrooge, and take toys away from the spoiled little bastards that don’t have the attention span to appreciate them. I want Santa Claus to show up at Macy’s and start kicking everybody’s ass:

From now until the end of the year, my battle cry shall be, “Bah, humbug!” I will sneer at displays, curse at reindeer, and keep a supply of coal handy – both to give to rotten little children and to color any snow that comes my way. I won’t mock charities, because they do good work and are some of the few organizations left that keep the true spirit of Christmas alive, but I will strive to make sure that is the only shiny spot in my now hardened, blackened heart.

And, as a parting gift, a handmade Christmas card by one of my friends:






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		*Cliff: Christmas*



		I’ve had it up to here with Christmas. It’s not even November, and I’ve had it with Christmas. That’s the problem. I’m already seeing Christmas decorations in department stores when there should be Halloween decorations. I tell people this, and they say, “But, Cliff, Christmas is awesome!” I agree, Christmas is awesome...or at least it was until the companies paved over November to make room for the X-Mas Strip Mall of America. And now the stores are getting ready to expand into October. If they’re going to do this, they need to at least give Santa Claus a makeover: The Ravager of Nations Christmas was never a religious time for me, but it’s always been a special time. In my memory it’s a time of year that, like Halloween and the Fourth of July, seems to have a little more magic than the rest of the year. But the gray-faced marketing engine of America is cutting the magic out as fast as they can in order to get just a little bit more money. What has been one of the most joyous times of the year is being turned into a three-month long Death March with the kick in the crotch known as New Year’s Day at the end. Think I’m just being bitter? What about the suicide rates that skyrocket during the holidays? As for myself, I would far rather enjoy yet another normal month, like June or September, than get force-fed corporate America’s mass-produced holiday spirit. I arrived at this point last year, and this year it’s the same but earlier. I can’t just sit back and say, “To hell with Christmas.” I feel the urge to declare a jihad, to force Christmas’s fat, sticky fingers off of Halloween and back into its own little corner of the year. I feel the need to make the people around me drag me, kicking and screaming, into the holidays. I want the Grinch to come back, and teach us all to harden our hearts. I want him to join forces with pre-redemption Scrooge, and take toys away from the spoiled little bastards that don’t have the attention span to appreciate them. I want Santa Claus to show up at Macy’s and start kicking everybody’s ass: Santa Khan From now until the end of the year, my battle cry shall be, “Bah, humbug!” I will sneer at displays, curse at reindeer, and keep a supply of coal handy – both to give to rotten little children and to color any snow that comes my way. I won’t mock charities, because they do good work and are some of the few organizations left that keep the true spirit of Christmas alive, but I will strive to make sure that is the only shiny spot in my now hardened, blackened heart. And, as a parting gift, a handmade Christmas card by one of my friends: BAH HUM-BOOFED!