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Crack: 355th MDG
 
To Whom it May Concern...  That is, if You Have Any Concern at All:
















I just want to share my appreciation to the 355 MDG for the stellar care I received over the past weekend.  As it so happens, I’m sitting in the waiting room of Starbucks coffee at 8 o’clock in the morning.  The 355 MDG didn’t want me in one of those stuffy doctors-office-type waiting rooms, so they locked their doors to ensure I found better quarters.  I love it here.  They’ve given me all day to prepare for my hospital visit, as I can only make an appointment Monday between 06:30 and 07:00.  They carefully chose this time-frame to make sure I didn’t get too much sleep, feel better in the morning, and completely negate the impending visit.  What foresight!  Since I found the front door locked after getting up so early today, I was foolishly hoping to make an appointment in advance to minimize my exciting stay in government lounge chairs reading Redbook.  But Uncle Sam knows better and has outlawed illness on weekends.  I guess I’m too new to the Air Force, or possibly missed the memo, but I arrogantly believed that DOD employees might become ill outside of duty hours.  I know, I know, what a newbie!  I now realize that the 6000+ service members, their average of 2 dependants each, government contractors, and countless blue-haired snowbirds have trained their bodies to be sick only on workdays in order to minimize productivity and maximize weekends of leisure.  I just figured I could get treatment over the weekend, when I had an open schedule, to be back in the office as soon as possible.  Especially now, with an evaluation coming up on the radar scope, my notion was to get spun up on what I’ll need to do.  Nope, now I realize that by not seeing my TriCare rep earlier on, my symptoms will be far more pronounced and diagnosis simple.  It’s no big deal that I spent the day yesterday in bed, popping pills, keeping warm, wanting to die, hurting like hell every time I had to swallow food, and watching my throat close faster than your front doors on Friday afternoon.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s normal for an adult male to have a throat clearance the diameter of a nickel and as red as my bloodshot eyes from being unable to sleep, as was the case yesterday; or waking up at 06:00 today from the pain, to find the diameter now down to that of a dime.  I would use the thoughtful provision TriCare has of going to another primary care facility, except for one small detail:  I DON’T HAVE MY DAMN PRIME MEMBERSHIP ID YET!  No one has bothered to give me any legitimate documentation except the pamphlet I received in the mail after initial sign-up, 2 months ago!  So instead I take this time to reflect on customer service, low co-pays, national coverage, my swollen lymph nodes big enough to ski down, and the innumerable other benefits my first experience with TriCare has afforded.  Tonight before I embark on my journey into adulterated unconsciousness, punctuated by starts of acute pain as my airway further constricts, I’m going to be proactive in my home therapy.  I just happen to have an 8-inch section of 3/8-inch diameter fountain tubing from a project I was working on.  That, coupled with the 4-inch hunting knife I keep stashed in my nightstand, will ensure I can perform a self-tracheotomy in the wee hours of the morning—should the need arise.  It’ll be a gentle reminder for me to wake up and make my appointment within the 30 minute window so generously allotted.  Plus, now I’ll be able to smoke without having to hold the cigarette in my lips!  So hats off and pants down to you, 355 MDG!  I’ll keep your motto on my lips and try not to get choked up: “Here at TriCare we try to care, and remember, it’s good enough for government work!..”

 

355 MDG, drop your drawers and bend over…                              You’ve Just Been Boofed!