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So I woke up this morning with a headache, cramps, and nausea… I’m either pregnant or sick
of work, I think I’ll bet on the latter. Deftly the onslaught approached the peasant village… only to be routed by the musical stylings of Bjork. When considering political efficacy, be careful… because dogs hate hardwood floors. Despite its advantages to Neanderthals, scientists now believe that explosive flatulence is a detriment to social
modern man. This one time I asked for a Siberian Husky… imagine my surprise when a fat Russian woman popped out of
the box. Announcing your presence in the Vietnamese jungle, is like Mexican night at the chow hall… both result
in a messy ending. Driving the Oscar-Meyer Weeniemobile is kinda like drunk aerobics… …OH LORD, THE FUMES! I’m thinking the most fearsome and elusive animal north of Bad children like to burn ants, while good children like to eat them. Have you ever woken up sweating from a dream you swore was real, you know--the one where ninjas are throwing
spoiled bananas from speeding Yugos on the freeway while crescent shaped rocks of sugar rain down in a fine mist through a
haze of double-helix piano wire? You know that one… yeah, me neither. ***Celebrity Discounts*** Bill Clinton -
$5 off dry cleaning David Hasselhoff - Lifetime supply of Depends Ashlee Simpson - $15 coupon for groom
at Suzy’s Pet Salon, Jesse Jackson - Free
legal consultation Lil Kim -
1 get out of jail free card, LAPD Phil Mickelson - Free
exam with eyewear purchase Janet Jackson - Full
coverage for half price at Playtex Rush Limbaugh - Preferred customer
card at Good Neighbor Pharmacy Lindsay Lohan - 2 for 1
at Sizzler Tara Reid -
20% off all Krylon purchases Rosie O’Donnell - 99 cent Whoppers
everyday Susan Sarandon - Closeout prices on
lithium at RxDirect.com
FYI: Killing midgets doubles the corpse capacity of your trunk. Constipated Carl was depressed because of his crappy marriage. But, after all the mudslinging, he sure
did miss his ex… Lax! If ambushed by ravenous rodents, don’t spare the drastic measures… …olive oil, open flame, Twix, and a crow bar come to mind. Feeling blue? Try drop-kicking a watermelon. If it breaks your foot, you’ll trade frustration
for blinding pain. And if you smash it, you’ll have a meaningless chuckle at what you did… Can’t
lose! Owww, my head! The last thing I remembered after my 5th shot was the rapid approach of my hardwood
floor. It was cool though… while I was down there I found out green beans with under-fridge seasoning taste awesome! For a welcome change of pace, do like I do. Run down a crowded sidewalk yelling, “sexy sphygmometer.”
And when the inevitable sucker asks you what it means, punch them square in the kidney and skip away laughing… With all the spare time I waste I thought back to Eden and it hit me… that serpent was the first Frenchman,
with the yellow stripe down the back and no balls. Man should take a lesson, from the lesser buffoon… In all cases of dispute, display your moon like a baboon… And if unsuccessful by showing your ass, annihilate your foes with a touch of class… Suck up your pride--now don’t be a wimp, take a handful of crap, and chuck like a chimp! In the animal underworld of sex, debauchery, and violent crime--it’s well known that the rodents rule. Raccoons can never be identified behind their masks, and nobody wants to frisk a porcupine.
Relucivate(v.)-
To drown out ringing
phones by sleeping in your car. Exzonalera(n.)- Hackneyed feminist comic
strips. Fractilianous(adj.)-
Prone to bouts of written schizophrenia. Hiniquopharitize(v.)- Collating documents by box fan. Yuemomizo(adj.)- Fat. Uctrageural(adj.)-
Anything French. Sigulvarchen(n.)- Those bastard, undercutting Malaysian sweatshops.
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